“If it feels good, do it!”

I am sitting at a cafe in Barcelona sipping coffee and munching a fabulous chocolate croissant. Chocolate croissants are the ultimate experience of “food pornography” – that naughty but nice bit of decadence that’s OK to do in foreign countries where no one knows you… As I slowly relish my pastry and coffee, I am looking at the magazines that the cafe has on hand – tabloids in Spanish – and I notice how the headlines are all about sex, divorce and scandal. Aghhhhh… even in one of the most romantic cities in the world, here we are again. The play of Mind in relationships transcends cultural boundaries.

I get bored of the tabloids and pick up my ipad and reread Carolyn Muir’s interview from the Lifetime Love Affair Telesummit, in which she says, “I was a good wife for years when I realized that had nothing to do with keeping a man’s interest in me or my interest in them!

This led her to her interest in Tantra Yoga which she has taught and written about for decades.
Amazing that the desire to “keep it interesting” landed her on a spiritual journey.

Tantra teaches the sacredness of our bodies, our sexuality and each other. It teaches us how to manage and use our sexual energy to awaken more of our spiritual nature. Why this matters is that The Body is one of the first things that we get past in relationships. What I mean is that the physical characteristics that were compelling become less compelling over time and especially as we age. If we can’t get to the deeper connection of energy and presence that lives in each of us and in the power of our union, we are missing the Crown Jewels of relationships and sex.

Often as a result of religious upbringing, people learn to disconnect sex and spirit. We think that pleasure isn’t “spiritual” and so people give it up or feel guilty about it. As a result, many of us developed a fear of really opening up to our authentic passion and sexual energy in our relationships. Often people will open their full eroticism in affairs because they refuse to do it with their partners, from whom they conceal that aspect of themselves. People can rediscover the importance and healing power of spiritual connection and pleasure.

Carolyn suggests that part of what works is having an intention to spend some time, even a few minutes, at the end of the day with your partner, free of any expectation of sex or orgasm, but just something that will make us feel good. This can be a neck rub, a foot rub, a bath, some kind of nurturing. Start there. “Turn off the TV and look at each other!” advises Caroline. Pick up each other’s hands or feet and offer a massage to each other to nurture and love some part of your beloved. Even if after 10 minutes you decide, “OK! Let’s go back to our movie!” At least you’ve done something toward sensual, nurturing , loving connection. This begins to create a pattern of making nurturing a priority. And if it leads to sex, great, and if not, that needs to be OK too.

Schedule Love Dates

Sex is not going to be spontaneous with couples who have been together for a long time. It doesn’t even exist, says Caroline. If you don’t plan in or schedule Love Dates and you can only have “spontaneous sex,” then you run the risk of being “spontaneous” with someone outside the relationship instead!

Try this:
1. Have a conversation with your partner in which you talk about the ways that you most enjoy being touched. Start with your feet and work your way up through each part of your body. Tell each other, show each other the specific type of touch and location that you most enjoy. Do this slowly and playfully with an intention to really “map” your partner’s body and learn what pleasures them.

Often times people know more about how their pets like to be touched than how their partner likes to be touched!

Notice what internal thoughts and feelings come up for you as you do this and share those with your partner.
This practice can create greater pleasure and more authentic connection in your relationship.