Got sex? Does your relationship need erotic recovery?
I was just going over the notes from my interview with Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex You Want. (You can listen to the entire interview for free by clicking this link http://lifetimeloveaffairsummit.com/series-registration). According to Tammy, after about 10 years of marriage and again after 20 years of marriage people often experience a loss of passion or eros. She points out that often when couples focus so much on the companionship of the relationship, the erotic aspect of the relationship gets lost. We think that if we focus on the companionship, the sex will “just happen.” Yet how many couples have become “great friends” and are now more like roommates than lovers? In fact, Tammy asserts, the opposite is usually what’s true. People focus on the erotic and then… companionship happens! It’s the passion, the eros that makes couples feel in love.
Right, I muse to myself… I remember my ex-husband’s famous last words to me: “I love you, I just don’t know if I’m in love with you.”
Ha! How many people have heard that famous line?
The eros is why you are attracted to a partner. Let’s face it, the fundamental difference between having a roommate and having a romantic partner is sex!
The Monogamy Revolution
There is a monogamy revolution right now, says Tammy. We live longer lives well into our eighties now and are expected to stay with the same person that we loved and desired in our twenties! There is no precedent in history for how do you manage relationship for this length of time and stay attracted to that same person?
How about that? We are setting precedents for the kind of sex life our children can expect to have as they live well into their later years!
How do we continue to desire someone when they have such a close and consistent presence in our lives for so many years? And stay monogamous, if that’s the rule we want to play by. And most of the people… ahem ahem… the women I’ve spoken with, would like to see that monogamy maintained!
But did you know that half of all couples will experience an infidelity during the course of their relationship? Think about that people!!! Frightening, isn’t it? Fortunately, Tammy has written a book called The New Monogamy that helps couples really define the game for themselves and really re-look at what monogamy means for them. Tammy is finding that couples are looking for new ways to maintain their relationship over the long term to keep things spicy and yet to maintain that commitment to their relationship.
Erotic Recovery
You can create marital rules that can work for both partners and can sustain the relationship for the long term. Speaking open and honestly about what you really want is primary. For many people it is the dishonesty that breaks the trust through lies or withholds.
I remember when my own marriage went through an affair I was angry about the infidelity, but the lying was the hardest to come back from. It was the most crazy making part of the whole thing. The New Monogamy is a must read for couples recovering from an affair. It goes beyond recovery from infidelity to erotic recovery. You have to work on the erotic and create a new sex life, a new intimacy, a new connection! When framed in this way, couples can use an affair, which deconstructs a relationship, as a possibility for constructing a new relationship with each other.
Doctors Orders!
Tammy suggests: Set aside a sex date once a week. The entire rest of your relationship focuses on the companionship or partnership of the relationship so you really need to set aside time to focus on the erotic on a regular basis, says Dr. Nelson. That becomes the sacred space between you that is dedicated to your erotic life. Unless you have that you can’t practice your eroticism. Think of this as a sacred practice.
Tammy says, “You have the sex date no matter what. You create the space and practice the skills. This is not a dinner date. It’s a sex date.”
I know that people sometimes object to scheduling sex because it doesn’t seem spontaneous. Yet if you think back to when you were dating and really hot on each other, sex wasn’t exactly spontaneous, was it? Think back on your last date: You saw it in your calendar days or weeks ahead… you imagined being with your honey….you thought about what you were going to wear. I’ll bet you took a shower, did your hair and make-up. And you put on your sexy lingerie – not the white cotton panties with the ripped elastic!
So you planned the date, you planned what you were going to where, you created an ambience, you anticipated the event – you imagined in your mind and prepared your body and psyche for sex. You built up to it.
So now that you actually have a relationship, how about putting the same amount of effort into it? At least once a week for a sex date!
And what happens if you don’t feel like “doing it” that night or afternoon? Well, intercourse is not required! But what happens if you just engage in sexual play and touching for starters? You could even start by just laying together with your clothes on or off or something in between. But the point is to create an intention and then do the things that prepare you mentally, emotionally and physically for sex! How do you get yourself in the mood? Make a list of those things and then do some of them! And don’t be getting all stressed out at work up until the last minute and then show up for your sex date like an exhausted workaholic who’s mind is busy crunching numbers! If you need an hour to de-stress before you walk in the door, do that. Or get home and do what it takes. But make the effort. If you don’t put the effort into your sex life you will soon find yourself with a roommate rather than a romantic partner!